How i ought not to be!

Its a pain that has been there all my life, a story that has been never towards happiness but survival, a part of my life that i ought not to respect but i cannot throw it away!

Yes, i feel jealous when i see happy families, loving couples leading a beautiful life with minor tiffs that just are a part and parcel of life and indeed are important for all the relationships to work forever. I feel neglected when i see children calling 'Home sweet home' with a content family, a doting father and an independent and loving mother who shower all the love if not money.
I have got time from my parents, but what is the use? They never have given me a space that i call our own. I am not allowed to speak whatever comes into my mind, there's no open forum that many of my friends and their families have. Yes, i love my parents, but its more out of respect and duty towards them as the only child of the family, their only daughter.

                                                                              

OKAY, may be i was at fault that i could not have the love i see in other families but what about their own? Between them? There haven't been one single day that they haven't fought or have not criticised each other, whether as an individual, man v/s woman, or simple daily incidents related to cooking, eating, going out and what not. They don't need a reason to start a fight, a reason of not making a coffee early in the morning, has my appa with extreme tempers even while amma does not feel well. If a day goes without fighting, expect it to be the lull before the storm. I have always imagined a time when there would not be any fighting, any violence, prayed to thousands of lords and gods and goddesses in all the temples, even at my place, even begged both of them to stop it atleast for my sake, but the time when they say, they will be happy only if one of them goes away forever, either 'death' or divorce or mutual separation after i am settled is a thing that has never let me settle in what most people call, 'Home sweet home'. Every day, i get up with a thought that please, let everything be alright, happy and healthy but i tremble with fear and helplessness when mornings begin with fights that start for the sake of it! There have been very few days in a month where i get up with a smile and an assurance that they would be happy with each other even if they are not happy with me.


One of my greatest desires in life is to see both happy, healthy always and caring towards each other, without unwanted shouts and violence that seems to have no boundaries but alas, no luck, nothing seems to work.
From the time, i began to understand the world, i dreamt of a perfect family, but i have a family that is next to imperfect, i have no issues, i am happy, i just want them to respect each other if not LOVE!

So, i know for sure, how i ought not to be and i desire a life partner, not a life threat. I await a life full of happiness and true promises, a home that i can call my very own, a life that i can share with no fears and tears!

Its a long wait!

An open letter that talks about a wait that seems longer as an important milestone of my life's journey is approaching and yet i do not know, what you think about me!

Yes, its a long wait! I have been waiting!

to hear a story that has been going on with you, far far from me, a story of your life that means so lot to me! A story that means all the more special when it comes from you, a story that needs to be told by you and you have kept me waited all this time, never told me what it is that you need to share but you haven't.

Do i value so less?

Don't take me wrong, its a wexed heart that speaks like that even when the love is still there. Many call it blind and unrealistic, still i manage to value it because i understand that this is love, may be not at its best but still, it is love!

Atleast give me an answer to those times we shared together, i value each and every moment that you made me realise my own worth, i really wish, you think it over just like i do each day, each hour, each second. I said, am waiting, yes, i am still being patient, but your reciprocation is highly needed because i feel the pain of a distance that was there never before and i ought to know the story of this distance from you and that is why, i wait, all the more!

Understand, life is wonderful when i have you with me in our very own space, that space has a story, it wants to share with you , so your presence is all the more needed! Understand, a beating heart that loves to hear from you, your stories and the silence that follows them. Understand, life is all about story-telling and it means a whole lot more when the narrator is You! Understand, the wait of a smile that comes to my face only when you have a story to tell! Understand, time is precious and a loving request from my heart's story that begs you to spend it with me!

                                                                                                        

Wait....wait.....and wait for a story of a lifetime!   A longing to be with you forever and ever, a heart and soul that beats for you!

 A loving wait!!!

You still remain the true CHAMPIONS!

It was heartbreaking! It was sad! It was close.....Yes, we could have won! Yes.......it would have been a hattrick....Yes......it would have been a new record and awesome it would have been.that particularly dependent on a few players' heroics to make it count. CSK has been the the most consistent and well-balanced team throughout all the Indian Premier League editions with a superb winning percentage.

Its a big deal infact to have been in 4 out of 5 finals and winning two out of them. The team has been so well composed that it has always managed to cross the line and make it to the

Indeed, 27th may 2012 would be remembered by any ardent fan and even 'AC' of CHENNAI SUPERKINGS as a well fought final ending sadly in defeat against the Kolkata Knight Riders at Chidambaram stadium, Chepauk in Chennai. The way CSK stormed to the finals with amazing individual innings from Murali Vijay, Captain Dhoni, Suresh Raina, Michael Hussey, S.Badrinath, Ravindra Jadeja, Albie Morkel, R.Ashwin, Ben Hilfenhaus and each and every player of the team working collectively and in such a way that it was indeed a team sport unlike many teams semi finals at the least which speaks a lot about the character of the team and the support staff and the captaincy thats inexplicable.

Chennai rocks to the core! Love you MSD :) LOVE YOU CSK!!! YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME.......TREMENDOUS AND WILL REMAIN THE BEST COME WHAT MAY!!!

Overdose!

There are many things in life whose overdose does not make you upset but does not generate happiness either. They bring a smile that are more stupid and sheepish than particularly lovable and you wonder if thats the case with other people too. After all, you are not supposed to go through all of it alone!

In the beginning, it could be taken as just a frame of mind where the brain automatically tends to reproduce what we are thinking and wanting to think about. Constantly, a kind of filtering that happens where one goes on hearing and seeing things that consciously become a part of the person's environment because that is what the person has been thinking and deliberating about for much of the day.

But when those initial coincidences turn into everyday realities that become a part of your environment, of your life to such an extent that even without thinking about that particular thing, person etc, you are exposed to incidences that urge you to start thinking all over again then there is really something wrong!

No matter, how hard you try to ignore and stop telling yourself that everything is just an illusion and work of your uncontrolled imagination but too many signals, too many so called coincidences and too many instances just make you feel terrible and helpless because neither you can acknowledge those feelings nor you can deny them, neither you can confide it nor you can hide it!

Overdose of particular incidents and places, names, connotations and references over a period of time just hint at something which is not only hard to define but even more complicated to understand. When everything in a nutshell just takes you back to memories and filmy style flashbacks, you don't really know how to act and react. No associations of good and bad count because overdose just makes your jaw drop, wonder and feel....nothing more, nothing less!! Period.

The times that are hard to forget………..

DEAR LIFE!

THANK YOU! These two words together define your importance that has made me what I am today……. What I have got today………what I have lost and still moved on with a smile……..a lot of things that are hard to resist……definitely……these were and are times that are hard to forget!

Few days after I was born, I left my native place to come to New Delhi and it is been 20 years now that I have lived here.  I cherish those moments when I used to travel in trains during peak summers to reach south of India in the vacations…memories that have become hard to forget! I used to play with my cousins, visit distant relatives and enjoy royal treatment in the name of ‘Delhi ’ (yeah ! Trust me, Delhi used to or in my case still holds an equal footing as to the Americas). The laughter, those cries, those jealousies, those gifts that surprised, those blessings that remain are memories that are hard to forget! I grew up meeting people and making friends, sharing my life, that is, you with them, listening to their stories, creating new ones that are hard to forget. The feelings of accomplishment, awards and appreciation through school years, the teachers under whom, there are special times spent are beautiful memories that are hard to forget. The dreams of pursuing success and the entry into College went hand in hand and the wonderful time that went by, are definitely hard to forget! An unexpected trip with friends from College to an Ashram in Rishikesh changed the way I perceived relationships and that gave me an unexplored angle of myself that is hard to forget.  I started believing more in myself and a mystique power of the Almighty that continues to pave the way of my future…..times that are hard to forget!  For, a Journey that’s just reached a milestone of 20, hoping and wishing for more and more times that are just hard to believe and forget.

                                                                                                  

HAPPINESS IS MOMENTARY

There are some good moments in life which just come into your life for a few seconds and are taken away from you in few other moments leaving you in tears! That is what i experienced this morning as well. Listening to Music when the mind stops working is one of my favourite past time but my Dad thinks that listening to music is wasting time and not doing work. Oh really? The way he said that......really hurt me! I don't like my parents telling me that i don't do my work ......or what has been assigned to me! Infact, they end up spoiling the mood, so enchantingly created by the soulful music!

What do they think? I don't have any responsibility? I don't have any heart to do work? Or do they think that making me sad means peace?

It just hurts to know that you get to hear every taunt and scolding even when you are doing their work and not yours actually! You get up early in the morning.....yes trust me, i got up early, to do my dad's work and even then You get to hear only the bitter part. :( :(

Thats not all. He then called me USELESS.....yeah......after all am his dear daughter!!! <3 pa!

REMINDERS

There are some, there are many
people who cross our paths, rainy or sunny!
Some are always there for us, others are just there,
appreciating our true self,while others just stare!

Even when phone contacts are many,only
few connect, what an Irony!

A reminder to remember not just birthdays,
put one to emotions that sways!
To make you realise, how imperfect you are,
without me near and the end far! :):) ; )

LIFE IS WHAT WE WANT!

How momentary life is......how unpredictable life is.........how unimaginative life is...........how life takes new twists and turns to actually deceive the person living it.
I always thought about life like this but recently a tragic incident with my clssmate and friend really reaffirmed the terrible fact of life. She ended up losing her elder brother who had gone for a trip to Goa and had drowned in the waters along with all of his friends and this came as a shocking news to all of us, so imagining her and her family's state right now.....is actually frightening. Its very sad that a chirping and 'living life to the fullest' kind of girl is facing such a situation like this. All my condolences to her and her family for their irrepairable grief.
That makes me wonder how life is not possible unless we pass through such times and the kind of strength required to bear these pains.......am so inquisitive to think whether only such things add colour to life and define life? Then why to give us a loving family and people around us when we all have to go somewhere far that we won't come back again giving only grief and pain to our loved ones? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I do believe in God but these things make me believe that God needs to be kinder to people and God needs to be gentle to those parents and the family which has to bear the brunt of the unimaginative loss! Atleast young people should not be dying like this! I still can't come to terms with the fact that just a few weeks back, she was talking about her brother with much pride and now everything came to an end so abruptly, bluntly! Its really unfair to us, humans! God, Please listen to us.............Don't play these cruel games to us! Even after, what you say about life, death and soul in the 'Srimadh Bhagwat Geeta', i just want to say that the void in life that is created when we lose our near and dear ones, is not possible to be filled in by anyone........and so please, Don't take our loved ones away from us.........they have a RIGHT TO LIFE AND LIBERTY, afterall...............please!!


A SINCERE REQUEST!

MITA DIYA AADHAAR HAIN!

ANGGINAT SAWAAL HAIN,
NA KOI JAWAAB HAIN,
KYUN CHU RAHE US DARAAR KO?
JAB MITA DIYA AADHAAR HAIN.
 
 
WO KHAMOSHI HI ANANT HAIN,
JO DARD KA PRATEEK HAIN,
ANAT MEIN SAAR HAIN,
MITA DIYA AADHAAR HAIN.
 


KAHA, CHALO CHALEIN SAATH SAATH,
DAALE HAATHON MEIN HAATH HAATH,
PHIR KYUN KIYA AISA WAAR HAIN?
MITA DIYA AADHAAR HAIN.

CHYK Camp at Rishikesh

Only few people would have ever thought that Rishikesh, renowed for its effervescent surroundings, natural beauty and having religious significance could actually be so much enjoyable and full of fun and adventure. Earlier I was one of them, thinking that Rishikesh ought to be visited by old and aged but a week long camp organised by Chinmaya Yuva Kendra, the Youth wing of Chinmaya Mission, Noida, in the hilly terrains of Rishikesh, this summer, accompanied by my two friends from College, actually made me realise how life can change in a very short span of time and I discovered a whole new angle to my life and a side of me, that I am still exploring as a result of the journey which started from the day(actually night), I boarded the Mussorie Express to Haridwar, on 27^th June to be precise, and the entire night spent among ‘strangers yet friends’, the other campers whom i met for the very first time and we interacted, played games, ate biscuits and tested ourselves by trying not to sleep, though all of us ended up doing just that. On the following morning, we de-boarded at Haridwar station and six buses took all of us, around 250 campers to Rishikesh and the scenic beauty on the way up, took my breath away. This was the first time that I ‘forgot’ to cry for going away from my parents and the least that I had expected, I ended up crying on the last day of the camp.

We were accommodated at Vanaprastha Ashram which was in one phrase, ‘out- of- the world’. Captivating beautiful scenes all around with the Ganga just flowing by, it had the serenity that we all came looking for, away from our busy lives. The Inaugural session introduced us to the theme of the camp ‘Edit Profile’. We were given time-tables and schedules to follow and at first instance, I really thought I might have committed a mistake by coming because the reason I was there, was to get away from the daily schedules. Fortunately, all my doubts were put to rest when the time flew away and the days passed full of lectures from Swamijis like Sw.Chidrupanandji, Sw.Chaitanyanandaji, Sw.Nikhilanandji and brahmacharis like Br.Nirvanji, Br.Navneetji as well as early morning sessions of Yoga by Sw.Raghavananadji on subjects ranging from the ‘soul’ to ‘profile’, the personality of a person, how to differentiate ‘I’ from s/he gender classification, with enchanting examples of Facebook, Twitter and other social sites and the goods of the modern technological world so as to make the young campers, popularly known as CHYKS, understand the significance of looking inward rather than the outer world. There were also Interactive Sessions where questions were put up in groups and debates and discussions followed them, Games, Quiz rounds and Profile activity were some of the other activities. There were eighth groups based on the names of rivers of India and I was a part of river ‘Narmada’ and was chosen the very first evening to do the Ganga aarti and I was more than happy to oblige. We went for the aarti every evening  and it was so much peaceful and yet enjoyable to be near ‘Gangamata’, the captivating waves, the bhajans at full swing, the Sun-setting and lots and lots of people singing the aarti, infact the best atmosphere to invoke blessings of the Lord and at the same time experience immense fulfilment and Inner peace. The whole experience cannot be expressed in words, cannot be felt unless and until, “Been there, done that”.

Apart from religious invocation, I had fun meeting new people, making friends and sharing a whole new life outside my own periphery, my own inhibitions were thrown to the winds as I voluntarily went to the stage for demonstrations during sessions, participated in quizzes and got selected out of so many people, which was indeed satisfying. That was never me. I did not know, I had a part of myself dying to express openly and boldly, to my own surprise.

At this instance, I have to talk about my College friends who supported me all through, gave me wonderful thoughts and things to smile and blush about and the closeness we all felt by connecting not through our minds but hearts. Also the most enjoyable activity for me was the ‘Profile activity’ in which CHYKS would write on each other’s back on a sheet of paper attached to one’s back. I got so many good and encouraging comments that it was and will remain very close to my heart forever and I actually did something that time that even I did not expect, I went to the stage despite my stage fear and read those comments that were written on my sheet of paper and was eventually applauded for the same that made me feel on top of the world. Comments ranging from “D.U Topper” to “True south indian girl” and “Indian beauty” are hard to forget. These are the memories which are hard to be erased and those special people are now friends forever. Taking names cannot justify the relationship I share with each of them and that’s a fact that has given me a view of the ‘Bigger picture” of life. I learnt that sustaining friendships is more difficult than making friends.

The last day of the camp concluded with a picnic to Lakshman Jhoola, Sivananda Ashram and the visit to an Audio-visual library within the same premises, last but not the least, the Ganga aarti at HaridwarSw.Chidrupanandji pointed out the four ways to edit one’s profile:

1. Must engage mind constructively and positively.

2. Do the activity actively always.

3. Face situations with courage.

4. Taste success ultimately.

It was an enriching experience that left me wanting for more and in fact each and every one of us. I wish I could go back to the very same place with the very same people.

Indeed, CHYKS ROCK!! :)