Is it my fault that I am wired differently?

Everybody thinks that I have lost a screw, an important one at that;
A screw that has made me lose my balance;
Probably a matter of laughs for many,
and often I have mocked myself too

But when I pause, look back and re-think,
I indeed lost a part of me,
each time, I was told I couldn't achieve anything;
A constant reminder that told me I was a born loser;

Even my cries, wails and sobs had no ears,
I wanted someone to hear them, was definitely my mistake,
yet, overtime, I thought it is all changed,
It is finally over!

Well...until now when I come to know what it means,
I was and will always be a loser,
Though most people I know tell me,
I am sweet, blessed and wonderful
It hurts real hard when your parents make you feel a petty loser!

Who is this ideal daughter?
I always wanted to make them happy and of course, a little proud,
Just a while back, I am told I am not even worth being called one,
Tomorrow, they might laugh it off as a small joke,
For me, it is today that my world came crashing!

Who is this ideal daughter?
Why am I compared to her? An unknown face suddenly matters more?
I am wired differently!
If I laugh on myself doesn't mean, it doesn't hurt!
Is there no one who can understand my wiring system?

Yeah, I am an emotional fool;
A soul that has been trying to inch towards satisfaction,
and it was just taken away
Why? Only because I am told I am no ideal daughter!

Who is this ideal daughter?
Who knows how to keep everyone happy? Do all work? Manage home and work simultaneously?
Who listens to her parents even if she is not happy?
Well, then, I am no ideal daughter!
I am wired way too differently!

Amidst the day's mundane stuff - I lost an inspiration

I have to admit, I never grew up on science or maths or physics, all that were dear to Kalam Sir. I had heard my parents talk inspiringly about Sir but never bothered to go in depth. I had purchased 'Ignited Minds' out of compulsion owing to a school assignment. The random moments that stay in my memory are of the first time, my elder cousin could not make it to her convocation where Sir was the Chief Guest and my mother still rues the fact that 'she was a fool to miss the chance'. In the midst of all these, I was proving to be no less with my zero knowledge of the great 'Missile Man'. Call it stupidity, arrogance or just lack of interest, but I am more than willing to admit, I was wasting my time. That is when, an interview on a popular Tamil channel caught all my attention. It was famous Tamil comic actor Vivek interviewing Sir on a Diwali special telecast. I was hooked. He, his thoughts about what he envisioned for India, for Tamil Nadu, his native place, his Defence personnels and for every child on the street and off it. Yet, he displayed wit and humour matching upto Vivek's timing. Aaahhh.....I was very emotively in awe. I seriously thought about what made me feel that way. He never changed a bit from where he started. His humble beginnings, after all?

Oh wait, all I knew was he belonged to Rameshwaram. So? So what? 'Everyman has humble beginnings' remarked a very much grey shade of mine. That is when, I wanted to read more. Read to know what makes this man, a legend with sheer simplicity. A great scientist and people's President. Why is he so loved? Vision 2020 came to me as a Prize and I admit, I haven't given as much time to a non-fiction as this book commanded. Yes, Commanded is the word. He was in total control of what he was doing, be it his failures or the stepping stones that his entire career boasts off, or the very writings he wrote, he commanded respect. I admit much shamefully, I was a late admirer but then, I am better than those who are yet to be born to see his legacy, his work and what he envisioned. I admit, I am waiting for 2020 and to see for myself, the Shining India that he so lovingly envisaged. That would be, the ideal tribute to the great legacy he has left behind.

PS: I do not intend to churn out a PhD on him and trust me, it does not take as much math, but a look through his life is good enough to tell you, why words are insufficient to explain!

R.I.P KALAM Sir!

From an admirer who happens to be just in time...

 

"But" talks.

Photo: Anindita

Me: "Woman. Freedom. Write. Love. Parents. Society. Religion. Caste. Stories. Sleep. Travel. Relationships. Career. Job. Money. Life. Independent."

"Okay? That's all?"

"Naah. There is so much more."

A typical conversation in my head, each day. I ask myself, "Whats wrong?" 

The confusion, the expectation, the unknown destiny, the individuality? Thoughts are all over. There is a path that I want to travel, but there comes a "but". There are dreams I want to live, but there comes a "but". There are stories I want to create and nurture, but there comes a "but". A "but" takes away so much. Why cannot people understand, it hurts to be in the "but" category? To not own up something that is so close to heart, all because of a "but". This word is literally killing so many hopes. 

For all the crazy souls reading this right now, thinking "try it with a butt then". Probably, I could. "But", I am serious right now, you see. 

Photo: Jazzy J

Why to live a life where conditions take away the living? 

The ruffled letter

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To 2014,

With sheer love and 'only cheerful' memories,
(you know that's not true!)

I shiver as I confess this. Not just from the biting December cold. I am in love. 

Before you get any ideas, my dear, let me clear it once and for all!

It has been you! It has been you, all the way! 

Yes, you gave me a lot of heartbreaks, but you also gave me beautiful souls and bountiful selves.

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You provided me with lovely trips that I always wanted to go on. You made solo travel happen. 

You gave me experiences that I never imagined I could manage. You gave me a cushion to cry and vent out when I had lost a part of myself. The dates on the ruffled calender whispered that you were looking over me but I could not understand, why you never let me make any plans.

Suddenly things happened. Work, friends, friendships, you name it and each morning, gave me shocks and surprises. 

You, my dear, were exceptionally a pain when you made me work without a break. 

I know, you prepared me for what lay ahead. But, those were my sulky days and you gave me your shoulders. 

I knew my life's a waiting game. Ultimately and untimely, things changed. 

You gave me a fairytale's beginning for which I may not see the end. Yet, I was mesmerised. You hooked me up with yourself. And now as you are taking me along, will you promise to standby?

Another year to my age and with that 2015 lies ahead with new hopes and old expectations.

Can we share stories, stories and more stories? 

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Yours lovingly and fully in awe, 

Merry Xmas and A Very Happy New Year :)

P.S: Shhhh...don't give me silences. Time to talk over a cup of filter coffee. Right?

The Karmic Kolu

As the lamp is lit in the evening, a bunch of ladies dressed up in silk sarees start with an alaap or the musical notes invoking one of the nine goddesses of Navratri celebrations (religious festival in India). Two young girls of the hostess' house, who were arranging a set of dolls on rows, a while back, join the ladies in singing. Both the girls exchange smiles acknowledging each other’s good job of the 'kolu' or 'golu'.

A pretty common sight in much of the southern part of India, this part of the festivities assumes a larger context in the amalgamated cultures of cities like Delhi. It is that time of the year where feminine power is invoked in the auspices of different names for similar festivals across India. The Tamilian community in the capital celebrates Navratri by putting up 'bommai kolu' or rows of toys and dolls displayed on odd-numbered tiers or 'padis'. While festivities involve a large gathering, classical music, shlokas and songs, 'prasadam' and gifts for each of the visitor, the set of toys in the house are the prominent attraction.

The presence of the divine is sought in creating the three, seven, nine or eleven numbered wooden staircase. Creativity entails the household as they design their entire kolu on or around a theme. They adorn the stairs with wooden or handmade toys which convey stories relating to the chosen theme.

Now, as singing rises, one after the other, both the girls are eagerly waiting to receive praises for their creations. Having depicted the war scene between 'Ram' and 'Raavan' from the mythological text, 'Ramayana', both the girls are ecstatic as the 'pooja' finishes. They started the decorations a fortnight ago. Most of the toys are traditional idols from their mother's set of dolls. The ‘marapaachi bommai’ or the wooden dolls, symbolising a married couple is the first doll kept to inaugurate the kolu. The thread of marriage as a sacred institution is kept as much in these ladder of toys as the social ladder.

If story-telling is an art form, this bit of story-telling is no less. It encourages one to go deep into imagination and provides a platform to display variety, from the most simple to the most challenging ones. Each time, stories may be same or similar, but the treatment to it differs. An art that is so intimate to the people's minds’ and yet different to the individual. Kolu brings that part of aesthetic brilliance, beautifully. The thought itself becomes highly inspiring. It is just like a child's play with layers of learning, teaching, practicing and understanding.

There are others who think that these small gatherings in a city like Delhi might not survive in the younger generation. The reasons vary. The idea of community celebrations’ has taken a hit as also the physical distance from the native place. Few others point the lack of time to issue of taking interest in investing energy to set up these dolls. Yet, many do not know that such a tradition exists at the first place.

Out Alone

A thought generates an idea. An idea becomes a dream. I am at the Nizammuddin Station, New Delhi waiting for my Rajdhani train to Bengaluru, Karnataka. A new black coloured backpack filled to the edge, a handbag hanging to the side, ticket in hand and with a lot of excitement and hope, travelling solo begins.

Bowling Corner: Phoenix Mall, Photo: Jayashree

Just a fortnight ago, boring schedules, family tensions and lack of vacations’ feel did not sound right. Also, lurching in the Delhi summers became a no-no. Travelling was anytime welcome. Only problem after checking availability of tickets: convincing hyper and conventional parents to let me go alone. Why Bengaluru? That is so because all cousins from Singapore, Chennai and other ones were on their way to the city. “I need a break. I really want to go and meet all of them (cousins)”, I persisted. My dad gave it a thought for days together and my mom was unaware of it till a week before.

The scene: Less of expectations. More of apprehensions. Surprisingly, a green signal from dad meant a go-ahead for an eight day trip.

As the announcement sounds for the train arrival, I come back to the present. Train journeys always fascinate me. Entering the air-conditioned train, I breathe a sigh of relief not only because of the heat. It is good to know my co-passengers are not crying kids, bookworms and snoring uncles. A 33 hour journey is long but interesting conversations about politics, long-distance travelling, North v/s South Indian debates between an IT guy, army personnel, a hardcore Delhi- Punjabi family and an elderly Bihari couple makes the time pass quickly.

Street view, Photo: Jayashree

The train enters the platform at Bangalore City Junction. The smell of filter coffee brewing in the distance gives me a caffeine urge. A coffee cup in hand at my cousin brother’s place in Maratahalli, in the east of the city with a lovely breeze in the balcony is a memorable start to the day. But, I haven’t set a plan. I am ready to go with the flow. 

On a caffiene high, Photo: Jayashree

Coffee beans at StarBucks, Photo: Jayashree

 Shopping and window shopping in Total mall in Doddanekundi during the day and Phoenix mall in Krishna Raja Puram (K.R Puram) in the evening is a treat. A game of bowling is a surprise at the Phoenix mall. Squaring a perfect 7 is my first ever win and it’s beyond thrilling. A Subway cheese, veggies and olive dinner follows.

Lazer Castle, Photo: Jayashree

The next day, I meet two cousins each from Singapore and Bengaluru. They take me to a game of Lazer tag at Lazer Castle at 80 Feet Road. Wearing soldier jackets, we need to shoot the other team members with lazer guns, and we have three family members in the age group of 70. They enjoy as much as we do. Shopping in Lifestyle showroom, Mocha Coffee in StarBucks and I am already spoilt for choice. What a day! A lot of chit-chat, amazing fun and smiles complete the day.

The next visit is to my aunt’s place in Bannerghatta located in the outskirts of the city. As much as I want to take the public transport, relatives have their way. A lot of “ghar ka khaana”, different kinds of rice from lemon to curd, from ‘murukku’ to ‘mavaladoo’ as munchies are a treat for the couple of days of my stay. It pours in the evening and the rains lend the night sky, an exceptional romantic feel. That probably is the only time, I want a company! A game of cards on a lazy Sunday. An inspiring cooking class on Monday. Enjoyment at its height.

My Chennai cousin is on her way to Bengaluru. Reaching Malleshpalya to meet her, another extreme location in the city through instinct and Google maps is a crazy bet. Kudos to that bet. It did work. A fresh shopping spree at Brigade Road near M.G Road Metro station and Commercial Street which are the busiest markets in the city gives ample time for us, the three cousins to shop, talk and hangout after a gap of nearly three years.

Travelling by buses, recently started ‘Namma Metro’ (Our metro), finding out the routes add to the fun. Another stop over at Sarjapur where big bungalows are simply breathtaking.  A plan to watch a 3D movie at INOX cinemas, Forum Mall fizzles out but sharing stories over doughnuts doesn't.

Playing with my niece, exploring the city, admiring the rains in a pleasing weather, an extra bag of gifts filled with home-made mango pickles, filter coffee powder packets are perks of the trip. Indeed, this journey is all about Independence. Individuality. Insights.