Is it my fault that I am wired differently?

Everybody thinks that I have lost a screw, an important one at that;
A screw that has made me lose my balance;
Probably a matter of laughs for many,
and often I have mocked myself too

But when I pause, look back and re-think,
I indeed lost a part of me,
each time, I was told I couldn't achieve anything;
A constant reminder that told me I was a born loser;

Even my cries, wails and sobs had no ears,
I wanted someone to hear them, was definitely my mistake,
yet, overtime, I thought it is all changed,
It is finally over!

Well...until now when I come to know what it means,
I was and will always be a loser,
Though most people I know tell me,
I am sweet, blessed and wonderful
It hurts real hard when your parents make you feel a petty loser!

Who is this ideal daughter?
I always wanted to make them happy and of course, a little proud,
Just a while back, I am told I am not even worth being called one,
Tomorrow, they might laugh it off as a small joke,
For me, it is today that my world came crashing!

Who is this ideal daughter?
Why am I compared to her? An unknown face suddenly matters more?
I am wired differently!
If I laugh on myself doesn't mean, it doesn't hurt!
Is there no one who can understand my wiring system?

Yeah, I am an emotional fool;
A soul that has been trying to inch towards satisfaction,
and it was just taken away
Why? Only because I am told I am no ideal daughter!

Who is this ideal daughter?
Who knows how to keep everyone happy? Do all work? Manage home and work simultaneously?
Who listens to her parents even if she is not happy?
Well, then, I am no ideal daughter!
I am wired way too differently!

"But" talks.

Photo: Anindita

Me: "Woman. Freedom. Write. Love. Parents. Society. Religion. Caste. Stories. Sleep. Travel. Relationships. Career. Job. Money. Life. Independent."

"Okay? That's all?"

"Naah. There is so much more."

A typical conversation in my head, each day. I ask myself, "Whats wrong?" 

The confusion, the expectation, the unknown destiny, the individuality? Thoughts are all over. There is a path that I want to travel, but there comes a "but". There are dreams I want to live, but there comes a "but". There are stories I want to create and nurture, but there comes a "but". A "but" takes away so much. Why cannot people understand, it hurts to be in the "but" category? To not own up something that is so close to heart, all because of a "but". This word is literally killing so many hopes. 

For all the crazy souls reading this right now, thinking "try it with a butt then". Probably, I could. "But", I am serious right now, you see. 

Photo: Jazzy J

Why to live a life where conditions take away the living? 

Bindi binded; family bonded!

Finally! Sitting down to write. Writing, something for my self and not for completing numerous assignments!

Well, Facebook provokes thoughts and here, I am with one of them. I read a comment saying that how putting 'bindi', the traditional Hindu way of not keeping the forehead empty is actually a matter of debate between the younger and older generations.

The older people want their daughters and girls in their homes to wear a bindi whereas the girls/women do not prefer to wear them especially with jeans or western wear. Where do I fit in this? 

Well, belonging to a TamBrahm (Tamil Brahmin) community, my parents and other relatives have always scolded me for not putting a bindi. I never used to listen. Until, I found out that what I put on my mother's insistence, actually has turned out to be a distinguishing characteristic of my personality.Using a sharpened end of a 'kajal' pencil, putting the 'ornamental dot' in the centre of the two eyebrows, has now actually become a style statement, a part of my identity and ofcourse, brings happiness to my parents' faces. 

Traditionally, considered to aggravate a major nerve point in the body responsible for 'concealed wisdom' and contain all experience in totality, this part of the human body has a special bond, either with understanding the essence of some cultures or fashioning a new style.

Remembering the Reclaimer!

Just days before my 21st, I came across a photograph that triggered so many memories, some very clearly replayed in my mind, some which were faint but either ways, they add up to a life that I had lived and silently left behind to say the least. 

Immediately, the first remark that I hear form one of my parent was that I was so much better when I was in that particular picture and ironically, I had a very different and infact, the very opposite strand of thought running in my mind- The fact that I think of myself much more positively now and in other words, more aware about how my surroundings and how things are around me currently. 

GYAN BHARATI SCHOOL third standard BATCH 2000-2001

Unfortunately, my parents think that the same level of so-called awareness has taken away my innocence.

(With all respect) They think that the girl who would be so happy to do all their work back then , now does not bother to do even half! They see all the 'going down the drain' changes in me and I think, the knowledge that I have gathered owing to a change in the surroundings, my college life, the course I am pursuing and the various other interests that have only made me in tune with the times and infact, meeting several kinds of people that I have come across at certain points of time who have expectedly or unexpectedly managed to contribute peculiar insights and lessons in my life in their own ways, whether a small token or big package have only made me a much better and infact, a mature being in love with the intricacies of life. 

 

A person I aspired to be and infact, I only seek more in the times to come! While growing up, I always wanted to reclaim the happiness that I thought, I had lost somewhere,

I was desperate to reclaim my right to choose that I found was mine yet was never allowed to make,

I was hell bent on reclaiming my way of life, my way of living and my own self in the multiple identities of life in the multifaceted societies and so today, I see a change that I ought to bring in ME and eventhough, my parents don't see it that way, yet I am sure, I have grown as a person, for the better!

Carefree, my days? They never will be, because I aspire for the unknown and the dreams that limmer with the pause to remember the reclaimer!

'Gangs' at home!

Its saturday night.....its the time to party...go out.....have fun .....watch movies....and a typical saturday night turns out to be dud....how would the feeling be?

Yes...thats what i am feeling right now!

Missing a premiere of the movie 'Gangs of Wasseypur Part 2' at Osian Cine Fan Festival at Siri Fort, New Delhi sounds dumb and unfortunate specially when its before the movie hits the silver screens and its the for no charge but then thats how some days are or rather some much awaited evenings are! As usual, there are no prizes for guessing the reason behind missing out the action. Parents who like to have their kids at home idle but not 'wasting time' by watching a movie and that too a much anticipated and awaited one!

A feeling of pity just overpowers when you have the seat even, everything decided and in place but not the permission! Its a bit unfair but then thats how a fuss is created and am trying to master the skill....so just wait and see if it works and at the least a show gets booked for the coming week!

        ACTION STARTS.....' GANGS OF A HOME' ......AND DRAMA!

          Too much? or too less? Make a fuss and earn a ticket.....

Coming soon....!

How i ought not to be!

Its a pain that has been there all my life, a story that has been never towards happiness but survival, a part of my life that i ought not to respect but i cannot throw it away!

Yes, i feel jealous when i see happy families, loving couples leading a beautiful life with minor tiffs that just are a part and parcel of life and indeed are important for all the relationships to work forever. I feel neglected when i see children calling 'Home sweet home' with a content family, a doting father and an independent and loving mother who shower all the love if not money.
I have got time from my parents, but what is the use? They never have given me a space that i call our own. I am not allowed to speak whatever comes into my mind, there's no open forum that many of my friends and their families have. Yes, i love my parents, but its more out of respect and duty towards them as the only child of the family, their only daughter.

                                                                              

OKAY, may be i was at fault that i could not have the love i see in other families but what about their own? Between them? There haven't been one single day that they haven't fought or have not criticised each other, whether as an individual, man v/s woman, or simple daily incidents related to cooking, eating, going out and what not. They don't need a reason to start a fight, a reason of not making a coffee early in the morning, has my appa with extreme tempers even while amma does not feel well. If a day goes without fighting, expect it to be the lull before the storm. I have always imagined a time when there would not be any fighting, any violence, prayed to thousands of lords and gods and goddesses in all the temples, even at my place, even begged both of them to stop it atleast for my sake, but the time when they say, they will be happy only if one of them goes away forever, either 'death' or divorce or mutual separation after i am settled is a thing that has never let me settle in what most people call, 'Home sweet home'. Every day, i get up with a thought that please, let everything be alright, happy and healthy but i tremble with fear and helplessness when mornings begin with fights that start for the sake of it! There have been very few days in a month where i get up with a smile and an assurance that they would be happy with each other even if they are not happy with me.


One of my greatest desires in life is to see both happy, healthy always and caring towards each other, without unwanted shouts and violence that seems to have no boundaries but alas, no luck, nothing seems to work.
From the time, i began to understand the world, i dreamt of a perfect family, but i have a family that is next to imperfect, i have no issues, i am happy, i just want them to respect each other if not LOVE!

So, i know for sure, how i ought not to be and i desire a life partner, not a life threat. I await a life full of happiness and true promises, a home that i can call my very own, a life that i can share with no fears and tears!