Is it my fault that I am wired differently?

Everybody thinks that I have lost a screw, an important one at that;
A screw that has made me lose my balance;
Probably a matter of laughs for many,
and often I have mocked myself too

But when I pause, look back and re-think,
I indeed lost a part of me,
each time, I was told I couldn't achieve anything;
A constant reminder that told me I was a born loser;

Even my cries, wails and sobs had no ears,
I wanted someone to hear them, was definitely my mistake,
yet, overtime, I thought it is all changed,
It is finally over!

Well...until now when I come to know what it means,
I was and will always be a loser,
Though most people I know tell me,
I am sweet, blessed and wonderful
It hurts real hard when your parents make you feel a petty loser!

Who is this ideal daughter?
I always wanted to make them happy and of course, a little proud,
Just a while back, I am told I am not even worth being called one,
Tomorrow, they might laugh it off as a small joke,
For me, it is today that my world came crashing!

Who is this ideal daughter?
Why am I compared to her? An unknown face suddenly matters more?
I am wired differently!
If I laugh on myself doesn't mean, it doesn't hurt!
Is there no one who can understand my wiring system?

Yeah, I am an emotional fool;
A soul that has been trying to inch towards satisfaction,
and it was just taken away
Why? Only because I am told I am no ideal daughter!

Who is this ideal daughter?
Who knows how to keep everyone happy? Do all work? Manage home and work simultaneously?
Who listens to her parents even if she is not happy?
Well, then, I am no ideal daughter!
I am wired way too differently!

"But" talks.

Photo: Anindita

Me: "Woman. Freedom. Write. Love. Parents. Society. Religion. Caste. Stories. Sleep. Travel. Relationships. Career. Job. Money. Life. Independent."

"Okay? That's all?"

"Naah. There is so much more."

A typical conversation in my head, each day. I ask myself, "Whats wrong?" 

The confusion, the expectation, the unknown destiny, the individuality? Thoughts are all over. There is a path that I want to travel, but there comes a "but". There are dreams I want to live, but there comes a "but". There are stories I want to create and nurture, but there comes a "but". A "but" takes away so much. Why cannot people understand, it hurts to be in the "but" category? To not own up something that is so close to heart, all because of a "but". This word is literally killing so many hopes. 

For all the crazy souls reading this right now, thinking "try it with a butt then". Probably, I could. "But", I am serious right now, you see. 

Photo: Jazzy J

Why to live a life where conditions take away the living? 

The ruffled letter

googleimages.com

To 2014,

With sheer love and 'only cheerful' memories,
(you know that's not true!)

I shiver as I confess this. Not just from the biting December cold. I am in love. 

Before you get any ideas, my dear, let me clear it once and for all!

It has been you! It has been you, all the way! 

Yes, you gave me a lot of heartbreaks, but you also gave me beautiful souls and bountiful selves.

googleimages.com

You provided me with lovely trips that I always wanted to go on. You made solo travel happen. 

You gave me experiences that I never imagined I could manage. You gave me a cushion to cry and vent out when I had lost a part of myself. The dates on the ruffled calender whispered that you were looking over me but I could not understand, why you never let me make any plans.

Suddenly things happened. Work, friends, friendships, you name it and each morning, gave me shocks and surprises. 

You, my dear, were exceptionally a pain when you made me work without a break. 

I know, you prepared me for what lay ahead. But, those were my sulky days and you gave me your shoulders. 

I knew my life's a waiting game. Ultimately and untimely, things changed. 

You gave me a fairytale's beginning for which I may not see the end. Yet, I was mesmerised. You hooked me up with yourself. And now as you are taking me along, will you promise to standby?

Another year to my age and with that 2015 lies ahead with new hopes and old expectations.

Can we share stories, stories and more stories? 

googleimages.com

Yours lovingly and fully in awe, 

Merry Xmas and A Very Happy New Year :)

P.S: Shhhh...don't give me silences. Time to talk over a cup of filter coffee. Right?

The Karmic Kolu

As the lamp is lit in the evening, a bunch of ladies dressed up in silk sarees start with an alaap or the musical notes invoking one of the nine goddesses of Navratri celebrations (religious festival in India). Two young girls of the hostess' house, who were arranging a set of dolls on rows, a while back, join the ladies in singing. Both the girls exchange smiles acknowledging each other’s good job of the 'kolu' or 'golu'.

A pretty common sight in much of the southern part of India, this part of the festivities assumes a larger context in the amalgamated cultures of cities like Delhi. It is that time of the year where feminine power is invoked in the auspices of different names for similar festivals across India. The Tamilian community in the capital celebrates Navratri by putting up 'bommai kolu' or rows of toys and dolls displayed on odd-numbered tiers or 'padis'. While festivities involve a large gathering, classical music, shlokas and songs, 'prasadam' and gifts for each of the visitor, the set of toys in the house are the prominent attraction.

The presence of the divine is sought in creating the three, seven, nine or eleven numbered wooden staircase. Creativity entails the household as they design their entire kolu on or around a theme. They adorn the stairs with wooden or handmade toys which convey stories relating to the chosen theme.

Now, as singing rises, one after the other, both the girls are eagerly waiting to receive praises for their creations. Having depicted the war scene between 'Ram' and 'Raavan' from the mythological text, 'Ramayana', both the girls are ecstatic as the 'pooja' finishes. They started the decorations a fortnight ago. Most of the toys are traditional idols from their mother's set of dolls. The ‘marapaachi bommai’ or the wooden dolls, symbolising a married couple is the first doll kept to inaugurate the kolu. The thread of marriage as a sacred institution is kept as much in these ladder of toys as the social ladder.

If story-telling is an art form, this bit of story-telling is no less. It encourages one to go deep into imagination and provides a platform to display variety, from the most simple to the most challenging ones. Each time, stories may be same or similar, but the treatment to it differs. An art that is so intimate to the people's minds’ and yet different to the individual. Kolu brings that part of aesthetic brilliance, beautifully. The thought itself becomes highly inspiring. It is just like a child's play with layers of learning, teaching, practicing and understanding.

There are others who think that these small gatherings in a city like Delhi might not survive in the younger generation. The reasons vary. The idea of community celebrations’ has taken a hit as also the physical distance from the native place. Few others point the lack of time to issue of taking interest in investing energy to set up these dolls. Yet, many do not know that such a tradition exists at the first place.

LOWLing around!

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. 

Well, that's how simple are stories of coffees, walks and talks. That's how unbelievable are those times of realizing how cranky one can be with only a few. That's one beautiful confusion that leaves one wanting for more.

Co-incidence is the word.
Going with the flow, I realised it long back.
A lot to say, plenty to blabber, and yet you feel completely comfortable to open up,
an assurance that no judgements will be passed;
no assessments will be done;
wading through levels of understanding, and yet you remain the same; of course, much lighter.

Number of days doesn't matter, decades of knowing each other still might not work.
Space is what matters, and its not taken, its given,

Pagli Journo!  Psycho!
Laugh. Cry. Overreact. Drama Queen. Anger. Patience. Stop overthinking!
Reflect yourself all through is what that company always says!

Woman! What are you talking about? Have you lost your senses or are in a trans-state?
Haha! LOWL!!
And with it, you have completely lost it you might say now, or start to wonder what's wrong with "Bharat ki Janta"!

No no, wait! Listen to the rest of the ______ (whatever you want to call it), I continue!

So, yes, time flew by quickly, there was so much to say and yet so much remained understood.
What do you call it as? A relationship of completeness with one's soul? Really?
No hi-fi stuff, please! 

Created by: Jayashree

So, finally, an evening where you know you have nailed it!

Silence broken. Simple Baat. High on Bakwaas!
Coming back is a promise, but you realise how tough it is?
Missing those times is mutual. Read my face and mind, and you will realise, certain other pieces of puzzle remain.

Never thought, addiction is going to be my way of life, 
It really is the matter!

Lost to the sounds of the engine, to another city, to another life, to another being, you'll be,
My Happiness is exceptional for the future that holds you dear, 
But what tatters me is to think, you will be gone away, and that's the way it has been with me, always!

I wish, a crystal would tell me why is it so?
Why do I have to give up on my walks and my dear talks?
A brewed coffee will always be waiting;
won't  tell you to re-consider, 
I know, it's not in your hands, 
I only wish you the best, 
Sure, there will be plenty of pretty walks awaiting your hand,
amazing chatter boxes, 
I might not be anywhere in the picture, and of course, I will be no one, 
PJ? No, not at all!

A serious thought, 

heartfelt concern, 
a great realisation,
and history will repeat a thousand times, 
and yet, I won't learn!

LOWL!




 

Cornering thoughts!

He: The world is round.
She: It has corners.
He: Still, it is round.
She: Agreed. But, I am in love with corners.
He: ??!!??!!
She: A naughty smile.

I wish, I was the 'she' in that imaginary talk from my diary. Dreams about one's life are always a part of one's growing up. This is one of them.

In general parlance, corners are places where two sides meet. I have always looked forward to meeting such edges from where I will never have to go back.

Photo: Jayashree

Corners give you a sense of what is going on in the world while being a part of it. There is life in them unlike the drama that goes on in the front. Being away from the limelight, and in a quiet corner can never be a failure. They give you a chance to understand the politics of decisions while being away from the pressure to perform.
They give you a chance to look back and wonder how and why.
Talking about the metaphorical use of corners as in the conversation, yes, everybody at some point, needs these corners. So, do I. Whether to pause and think, whether to share an intimate moment, or just observe.

These days, corners have very different perceptions especially when it comes to couples. Well, what is wrong? Corners give you your own space, you define it the way you want. They give you, your much guarded privacy.

Sitting in a coffee shop, with your eye lenses on, you observe even the minutest of details. The weather, the people going by, the coffee, the partner, the phone, the postures. Everything.

The obvious question would be, does not this happen sitting at the centre also? Well, It does happen. But the experience and the extent is much greater in a tiny corner. Experience them. Value them.

Roundness of the earth is a far-fetched theory. Four corners are for real. Vote for Corners!

Photo: Jayashree

Corners are immensely needed. Highly beautiful. Ultimately sane. Heartily shared.

Hard truth?

Red is everywhere. The colour of danger, of blood, of deep buried emotions, and of fear warning of tremendous pain beyond a physical injury. Each drop of blood rushing out of the wound reminds of each and every instance where I was disappointed and yet kept on believing and hoping for a miracle to happen.

A miracle which would end a lot of suffering and make me feel complete. Pieces of broken glass reflect images of fantasies I lived in, of a world of imagination that was so mine and yet I could not make them real. I never felt the need to justify myself but as the time passes, these shattered glass pieces hold the key for me.

May be, I am one of them or could be soon. The fear of being a victim of my own thinking overpowers me at times and these times are hard. As a drop of blood comes rushing out of the bruised finger, the reality of hoping for a miracle to happen soon seems vague and the journey seems endless.

Each drop of blood recounts a memory shared. I allowed myself to be taken for a ride because I have always believed in what the future holds for us. As i try to accept that a day may soon come when everything will be over and you will tell me the hard truth, I stop the fresh blood oozing out of the bruises.

The acceptance of reality is something I have gone over and over again but it never has stuck me the way it did today. I may become one of the pieces that need to be thrown out. My dreams look abandoned. My life looks incomplete. My love for you is still there but you never believed in it. I can not force my views on you but if it had to happen, it would have, had. Its time i accepted it. Let the blood flow, and give me the strength to fight it out with myself. Each piece of glass stands for all the times, I was shattered and yet i chose to live with it. Each bruise stands for the pain, I chose to ignore.

Yet, the reality is I was the glass in your life which would have hurt the dreams that you have. The mind says, it is better to move on, but it is heartbreaking just like the broken glass.

December saga: In between 'Coffee and contemplation'

While waiting for a cup of coffee in a quiet corner of a cafe on a very close friend's birthday party, you come to realize how funnily and quickly time flies away. Decembers always give you a sense of closure to what the year has given as well as taken from you. 

There are no enough answers for both and that is where the charm of time lies. A year before, I was waiting for my graduation hat and looking forward to welcoming 2013 on a note of achieving greater heights, not just professionally but personally as well. While, the fact of having graduated was yet to sink in, time had already come to fill in application forms for higher studies. Six months into 2013, I was cribbing about how I should not have opted for further studies, and contemplating on how I could have consequently saved myself from a lot of unwanted stress. 

Photo: Priya Baid

2013 became a year synonymous with meeting different kinds of people, making new friends and losing touch with many others and yet it gave a lot more than it took away. Indeed, it was upsetting to not have some people around or to see good friends going away from each other but it was equally enriching to learn the circumstances that made these difficult decisions, a part of the learning process.

If the year was harsh in its treatment in some ways, it was kind in many others. If the year was full of troubles, it was full of fun moments and moments of togetherness with loved ones. If the year was a mirror of understanding patience, it was also reflective of how that same patience has limits. If the year was a testimony to pushing oneself beyond capabilities, it was also a reminder of how fate plays a tremendous role. If the year was a roller-coaster ride, it was a ride worth remembering. If the year was full of expectations, it gave the courage to live with disappointments. If the year was full of useless banter, it gave a lesson on how to deal with one's inner thoughts and emotions. If the year was full of mind boggling activities, it gave some tears and moments for silent contemplation. This, being one of them. 

Photo: www.google.com

Meanwhile, my friends tease me on the silence that envelops 'in between'. This, 'in between' moment just adds on to the numerous others that have come, stayed and left me with several invaluable realizations. Among these realizations, I realize the air envelops in the smell of my cold coffee. I get back to my friends and the coffee, in the hope that these reflective 'in betweens' remain, December or no December!

'I tell you, these kids!'

Come home kids! Taken: Jazzy J, Deepavali, 2012

They don't talk if they are angry with each other. They fight over TV shows. They sulk over the smallest of issues and gossip over the big. They start with their daily rant in the early mornings and continue them till night. They love to pull each others' leg and wait expectantly for my reaction. Each of them wants me to be on their side. This tug of war continues each day and every minute. 'I tell you, these kids at home'. 

Growing up! Taken: Jazzy J, July 2013

They love to make me do things. They talk to me about maturity and show nothing of the same when necessary. These kids at home blow up issues and see everything from one perspective; which is their way of seeing. They give me scores of reasons to shout and then complain how I have changed over time. They want to know everything and when I start telling them everything, they drift away to other "important" stuff. 'I tell you, these kids'.

Sometime dark, sometimes light! Taken: Jazzy J, July 2013

They make me feel wanted one moment and act as strangers the very next. They think of me as a grown up  when they want to and then make a mockery out of my grown up life. These kids simply put the words in my mouth and then enjoy rolling the strings. They seem to love waking me up in the middle of a nap to ask for a random number. They are head over heels in love with the flocking guests but don't like their everyday neighbors. They give me some reasons to smile and plenty of reasons to imagine Hitler personified. 'I tell you, these kids'.

And before, I know or can say anything, time passes away and they grow up in front of me. I can only cherish those memories and they see shades of themselves in me. 26 years of togetherness is a wonder and the yield is me. 

Meet the kids! :) Taken: Jazzy J, July 201

 'I tell you, these kids', are my Amma and Appa (Mom and Dad) who happen to see me grow up each day while, I happen to see them grow the other way. 

Of so-called mediocre milestones and special feelings!

Every relationship has its share of ups and downs and in fact the relationship in itself could mean nothing important to the people/person concerned but during its journey, they reach some milestones, important or mindless is for them to make sense of. 

One such is a milestone of time spent knowing or trying to know a complete stranger who makes you feel weak in the knees and yet you feel all the more special. 

The moments- good or otherwise become a thread to mediocre milestones of dates. Mediocre, is the word when the special feelings only end up becoming just another thing for the people concerned. What are those milestones worth, when they just become another day, another number?

Yet, those very milestones mark a beginning that means the world with hopes of a future without endings. So, treasuring those moments, the entire journey, the so-called mediocre milestones, become imminent to the story of You and Me!

"Yeh shaam jab bhi aayegi,

  Tum humko yaad aaoge!

  

   Ajeeb dastaan hain yeh

   kahan shuru kahan khatam

   yeh manzile hain kaunsi

   na woh samajh sakey na hum!"

UNDER THE SKY!

IF ONLY, DREAMS WERE TRUE,

IF ONLY, STARS FELL ON EARTH,

IF ONLY, THE EVENING BREEZE MEANT YOUR COMING,

IF ONLY, PLACES MEANT LIVING,

HOW BEAUTIFUL, LIFE WOULD BE UNDER THE SKY!

IF ONLY, YOU LOVED ME,

IF ONLY, RAIN MEANT YOUR TOUCH,

IF ONLY, YOUR DIMPLED SMILES WERE FOR ME,

IF ONLY, WE WERE NOT APART LIKE THE SUN AND THE MOON,

HOW LOVELY, LIFE WOULD BE UNDER THE SKY!

 

EVEN IF HAD DISAGREEMENTS,

IF ONLY, YOU TRIED CROONING ME WITH YOUR AFFECTIONATE EYES,

IF ONLY, YOU EXPRESSED THROUGH HUGS AND KISSES,

A WORLD AWAY FORM ‘SORRYs, THANKYOUs AND PLEASE’ COULD BE LIVED FOREVER,

IF ONLY, DISTANCES DID NOT MATTER…

HOW WONDERFUL, LIFE WOULD BE UNDER THE SKY!

IF ONLY, WE COULD BOTH UNDERSTAND

EACH OTHER’S HEART AND THEIR RHYTHMS

IF ONLY, WE COULD STAND BY EACH OTHER

IN HAPPINESS AND IN PAIN, IN STRUGGLES AND SUCCESSES

HOW DRAMATIC YET ‘FULL OF US’, LIFE WOULD BE UNDER THE SKY! :) :)