"But" talks.

Photo: Anindita

Me: "Woman. Freedom. Write. Love. Parents. Society. Religion. Caste. Stories. Sleep. Travel. Relationships. Career. Job. Money. Life. Independent."

"Okay? That's all?"

"Naah. There is so much more."

A typical conversation in my head, each day. I ask myself, "Whats wrong?" 

The confusion, the expectation, the unknown destiny, the individuality? Thoughts are all over. There is a path that I want to travel, but there comes a "but". There are dreams I want to live, but there comes a "but". There are stories I want to create and nurture, but there comes a "but". A "but" takes away so much. Why cannot people understand, it hurts to be in the "but" category? To not own up something that is so close to heart, all because of a "but". This word is literally killing so many hopes. 

For all the crazy souls reading this right now, thinking "try it with a butt then". Probably, I could. "But", I am serious right now, you see. 

Photo: Jazzy J

Why to live a life where conditions take away the living? 

The ruffled letter

googleimages.com

To 2014,

With sheer love and 'only cheerful' memories,
(you know that's not true!)

I shiver as I confess this. Not just from the biting December cold. I am in love. 

Before you get any ideas, my dear, let me clear it once and for all!

It has been you! It has been you, all the way! 

Yes, you gave me a lot of heartbreaks, but you also gave me beautiful souls and bountiful selves.

googleimages.com

You provided me with lovely trips that I always wanted to go on. You made solo travel happen. 

You gave me experiences that I never imagined I could manage. You gave me a cushion to cry and vent out when I had lost a part of myself. The dates on the ruffled calender whispered that you were looking over me but I could not understand, why you never let me make any plans.

Suddenly things happened. Work, friends, friendships, you name it and each morning, gave me shocks and surprises. 

You, my dear, were exceptionally a pain when you made me work without a break. 

I know, you prepared me for what lay ahead. But, those were my sulky days and you gave me your shoulders. 

I knew my life's a waiting game. Ultimately and untimely, things changed. 

You gave me a fairytale's beginning for which I may not see the end. Yet, I was mesmerised. You hooked me up with yourself. And now as you are taking me along, will you promise to standby?

Another year to my age and with that 2015 lies ahead with new hopes and old expectations.

Can we share stories, stories and more stories? 

googleimages.com

Yours lovingly and fully in awe, 

Merry Xmas and A Very Happy New Year :)

P.S: Shhhh...don't give me silences. Time to talk over a cup of filter coffee. Right?

If evenings were as comforting!

Evenings of life are as special as the mornings, but they become all the more comforting when the heart leads the way. It might be a riddle to solve but sometimes, the journey is all that counts.
As another birthday comes along, treasures that went by remind me of the numerous evenings when solitude meant comfort. When, togetherness became the moon and when expectations came crashing down. Yet, another evening, honeymooning emotions were a treat.

Think about it! We always welcome the mornings and treat them with great enthusiasm. But, evenings are as significant simply because they comfort the lowest points along with being a bedrock for what lies in the future, i.e, the next day.

Evenings have as many different meanings for people as the people themselves. A festival's eve rings the bell for celebrations, an evening with family after a long day is all that brings solace. Meeting a beloved over a cup of coffee rings in some great times or an evening of great weather, a dash of music seems to make up for all the time lost. Symbolically, evenings suggest the end of the day as much as that of life, almost leaving a bitter taste and an uneven glance. There is no denying that such feelings are true but there is also the hope for sufferings and pain to end whether at the end of the day or life. All that remains is the amount of knowledge gained and experience shared.

Watching over a sunset, as the wind blows, a familar face smiles at me through the rear view mirror of the bike;
as a pillion rider, I am in awe of not just the setting sun, but also the biker who takes me along;
A brewing romance, many might call it, but, I wish to name it as the evening that we share, of the several which I am hopeful, are going to come soon.

As we speed through, I remember, those ominous evenings which went by without a trace,
those moments of yearning which left me drowning in hopelessness,
and those special ones where my heart led the way.

Imagination is all I have as the biker seems to sense it and smile,
Infact, the biker looks weary but never seems to complain,
much appreciated, ofcourse,
but you need some rest dear, is all that I manage to say;

Look me in the eyes, I want to say;
as we take a short break;
a simple chit-chat follows without too much to talk;
all,  I ask, is an embrace and the biker gladly obliges;

How, I wish, I could replay the evening's happenings always, and whenever I wanted,
craziness is a virtue and I have it in plenty, 
sixty precious minutes seemed to make up all the lost time;
greed for more engulfs me,
as the time to say a goodbye to the evening as well as the biker draws upon.

I do not want to leave,
the biker knows it but is as helpless as I am,
all that I now, know as the biker helps me to my physical destination, is my destiny has already made its way.

Why 'perfection' is not me?

Photo:Jayashree

As the new year 2014 begins, with the aroma of sweets and savouries, there are taste buds relentlessly waiting to approve of the 'perfect' pie.

An idea of the 'perfect' in the seas of imperfection have always been a matter of great discussion and still the struggle continues.  This constant tussle between the mythical 'perfect' and the realistic imperfect resonates in our lives. From food to appearance, from voting in the Elections to being voted as the most desirable personality, from 'swayamwar' to sex and from YOLO to R.I.P, 'perfect' is what we all seek in somewhere, something or in someone, infact generally everyone, including oneself.

There is no point in talking about something which affects us so dearly with sarcasm but with an understanding of how it manifests in our way of life. Our ideas about 'being there' or 'reaching there' have only multiplied our problems more than opening up new and better avenues.

'Perfection' is an achievable myth. It does not exist and yet we are constantly taught to be 'one of them', the rich, the successful, the famous, the conqueror of the world and in short, 'the best'. To be in the league and to run fast in order to top the league become one of the first lessons of growing up whether we accept it gracefully or ruefully down the line.

We live in a world where the idea of being 'perfect' is as diverse as the different kinds of life forms. Where skin colour or the waist size or the rate of development of the economy are all valued on the same scale of 'perfection'. Marks on the skin or in an examination become the parameters to achieve what the world calls as 'perfect'. Confusion reigns and rings the bell of depending on what does not exist.

Photo: Jayashree

Dozens of resolutions are made every new year with anticipation of improvement and with aim of achieving the 'perfect' state. We simply forget that if resolutions could make us reach a supposed state called 'perfect', then dreams would have taken us to a state beyond 'perfection' owing to their much recurring nature. 

So, at the end of the road, what remains is the real 'you', distant and different from the 'perfection' that is so desired. That completes you. That completes me. It shall engulf the world. We shall bathe and brew in that feeling. Ignorance is definitely a bliss. Being 'perfect' is not by any means, for us!

UNDER THE SKY!

IF ONLY, DREAMS WERE TRUE,

IF ONLY, STARS FELL ON EARTH,

IF ONLY, THE EVENING BREEZE MEANT YOUR COMING,

IF ONLY, PLACES MEANT LIVING,

HOW BEAUTIFUL, LIFE WOULD BE UNDER THE SKY!

IF ONLY, YOU LOVED ME,

IF ONLY, RAIN MEANT YOUR TOUCH,

IF ONLY, YOUR DIMPLED SMILES WERE FOR ME,

IF ONLY, WE WERE NOT APART LIKE THE SUN AND THE MOON,

HOW LOVELY, LIFE WOULD BE UNDER THE SKY!

 

EVEN IF HAD DISAGREEMENTS,

IF ONLY, YOU TRIED CROONING ME WITH YOUR AFFECTIONATE EYES,

IF ONLY, YOU EXPRESSED THROUGH HUGS AND KISSES,

A WORLD AWAY FORM ‘SORRYs, THANKYOUs AND PLEASE’ COULD BE LIVED FOREVER,

IF ONLY, DISTANCES DID NOT MATTER…

HOW WONDERFUL, LIFE WOULD BE UNDER THE SKY!

IF ONLY, WE COULD BOTH UNDERSTAND

EACH OTHER’S HEART AND THEIR RHYTHMS

IF ONLY, WE COULD STAND BY EACH OTHER

IN HAPPINESS AND IN PAIN, IN STRUGGLES AND SUCCESSES

HOW DRAMATIC YET ‘FULL OF US’, LIFE WOULD BE UNDER THE SKY! :) :)

Remembering the Reclaimer!

Just days before my 21st, I came across a photograph that triggered so many memories, some very clearly replayed in my mind, some which were faint but either ways, they add up to a life that I had lived and silently left behind to say the least. 

Immediately, the first remark that I hear form one of my parent was that I was so much better when I was in that particular picture and ironically, I had a very different and infact, the very opposite strand of thought running in my mind- The fact that I think of myself much more positively now and in other words, more aware about how my surroundings and how things are around me currently. 

GYAN BHARATI SCHOOL third standard BATCH 2000-2001

Unfortunately, my parents think that the same level of so-called awareness has taken away my innocence.

(With all respect) They think that the girl who would be so happy to do all their work back then , now does not bother to do even half! They see all the 'going down the drain' changes in me and I think, the knowledge that I have gathered owing to a change in the surroundings, my college life, the course I am pursuing and the various other interests that have only made me in tune with the times and infact, meeting several kinds of people that I have come across at certain points of time who have expectedly or unexpectedly managed to contribute peculiar insights and lessons in my life in their own ways, whether a small token or big package have only made me a much better and infact, a mature being in love with the intricacies of life. 

 

A person I aspired to be and infact, I only seek more in the times to come! While growing up, I always wanted to reclaim the happiness that I thought, I had lost somewhere,

I was desperate to reclaim my right to choose that I found was mine yet was never allowed to make,

I was hell bent on reclaiming my way of life, my way of living and my own self in the multiple identities of life in the multifaceted societies and so today, I see a change that I ought to bring in ME and eventhough, my parents don't see it that way, yet I am sure, I have grown as a person, for the better!

Carefree, my days? They never will be, because I aspire for the unknown and the dreams that limmer with the pause to remember the reclaimer!

The 'shor' about complexity!

Sitting in a gender studies class, i often wonder (yes! I need to do that) if we have made our lives more complex and complicated than its ought to be, followed by more deconstructions and reading between the lines in depth than is necessary and giving too much thought to things that really do not have much meaning! I appreciate that the human mind is thinking and trying to understand complex issues but too much criticism in the veil of 'constructive criticism' does not seem fit always and tends to drag on leading to habits of thinking and thinking too much without any gain.

 

Consider, for example, finding out the meaning of each and every dialogue, monologue or imagery whether an advertisement or a film or lyrics of a song for that matter. The problem does not lie in pointing out the 'wrong' but the problem lies in pointing out the 'wrong' always and being the so-called critic till the end of the day!

 

C'mon!

There is something called life and such things are part and parcel of it but delving too much into everything is highly problematic because it automatically increases the vulnerability of the group which has yet not been affected and has remained more or less ignorant of the matter. Uproar follows on matters that need less control contributing to the side-lining of the major issue and that does not help the cause.

 

It is not a bad idea to stick to tried and tested methods...the so-called Stereotypes as they are not always re-inforcing anything different from the way the society thinks and acts and as such, it is not a compulsion to change. No matter, how good the notion of breaking barriers and bringing about change remains, but the fascination with the whole idea of making things too complex remains a problem with many and the fact that relative and more equivalent issues do not find enough space is a subsequent problem. In simple words, we get caught up with too small and petty issues that the significant issues do not find footing!

Keeping simple things simple has become complex these days!

 

Blaming it on the Media, law and Judiciary or us as individuals might not help much but can we for a 'CHANGE' , keep things simple? Food for thought!

A conversation that was indeed special!

'Twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are?'

Google images

                                                              

A kindergarden poem that goes like this is a memory that we all hold dear and definitely many such memories form a part of life that we all live and cherish. A part of these wonderful memories are conversations that we tend to have as we are growing up and even after we have grown up to remind us that there is no best thing than to share our experiences, emotions and situations with people who are so dear. It could be family, friends or even acquaintances on a journey giving us good moments that are indeed special.

A life that has no such memories is not worth living and a life where even after such memories, its not shared is even more of a curse because conversations are the best way to bring out the innermost feelings that are always true.

Whether, over a cuppa of coffee or on a social networking site or a simple one-to-one phone or message talk, the sharing of life is indeed a very special way to reinstate the fact about the way we respect and value a part of ourselves, whether it is sweet or bitter, good or bad, beautiful or ugly!

It may just be a conversation but the effect it has on the soul is commendable. The relief it provides is a welcome respite from sorrows that overpower the peace of mind and joys that accompany flashbacks of stories and incidents are even more good memories of life that give strength during testing times.

An ice-breaking session on the first day of school, college, office, or even camps are no less carried out for the same purpose. Conversations matter simply because they are the best ways to get to know the other person and even understand oneself in a much better way. I remember a friend who shared her childhood experience with the whole batch and i could sense a smile that was so unique to her, a kind of enigma that was lost in a world which was not her place, her memories and her life.

A heart to heart coversation after a long time with a dear friend made me realise how badly i had missed those times that we shared and valued. The emotions were mutual but the conversations took us to a part that we generally avoided to talk about and yet we talked about it and got to know the matters of concern.

 

A memory of life that we tend to cherish is about our first love and talking to an elderly person, a friend cum philosopher cum guide with a smiling face and a magnificent aura made me realise how much that love means to me and the invaluable joy that sharing such a personal thing holds. An advise to wait and understand my own self in times when i was close to breaking down made me realise the value that solutions come only when we tend to open up to solve the complex emotions that accompany them.

Just a playful conversation about times to come can also be so close to heart if only we give time and respect the person with whom you had or are sharing your life. Its very important to remember that relations only build up and continue to be strong if given time to nurture and conversations are an inextricable part of the time shared.

So just sit back and start conversing and value each word that matters so lot!

How i ought not to be!

Its a pain that has been there all my life, a story that has been never towards happiness but survival, a part of my life that i ought not to respect but i cannot throw it away!

Yes, i feel jealous when i see happy families, loving couples leading a beautiful life with minor tiffs that just are a part and parcel of life and indeed are important for all the relationships to work forever. I feel neglected when i see children calling 'Home sweet home' with a content family, a doting father and an independent and loving mother who shower all the love if not money.
I have got time from my parents, but what is the use? They never have given me a space that i call our own. I am not allowed to speak whatever comes into my mind, there's no open forum that many of my friends and their families have. Yes, i love my parents, but its more out of respect and duty towards them as the only child of the family, their only daughter.

                                                                              

OKAY, may be i was at fault that i could not have the love i see in other families but what about their own? Between them? There haven't been one single day that they haven't fought or have not criticised each other, whether as an individual, man v/s woman, or simple daily incidents related to cooking, eating, going out and what not. They don't need a reason to start a fight, a reason of not making a coffee early in the morning, has my appa with extreme tempers even while amma does not feel well. If a day goes without fighting, expect it to be the lull before the storm. I have always imagined a time when there would not be any fighting, any violence, prayed to thousands of lords and gods and goddesses in all the temples, even at my place, even begged both of them to stop it atleast for my sake, but the time when they say, they will be happy only if one of them goes away forever, either 'death' or divorce or mutual separation after i am settled is a thing that has never let me settle in what most people call, 'Home sweet home'. Every day, i get up with a thought that please, let everything be alright, happy and healthy but i tremble with fear and helplessness when mornings begin with fights that start for the sake of it! There have been very few days in a month where i get up with a smile and an assurance that they would be happy with each other even if they are not happy with me.


One of my greatest desires in life is to see both happy, healthy always and caring towards each other, without unwanted shouts and violence that seems to have no boundaries but alas, no luck, nothing seems to work.
From the time, i began to understand the world, i dreamt of a perfect family, but i have a family that is next to imperfect, i have no issues, i am happy, i just want them to respect each other if not LOVE!

So, i know for sure, how i ought not to be and i desire a life partner, not a life threat. I await a life full of happiness and true promises, a home that i can call my very own, a life that i can share with no fears and tears!

Its a long wait!

An open letter that talks about a wait that seems longer as an important milestone of my life's journey is approaching and yet i do not know, what you think about me!

Yes, its a long wait! I have been waiting!

to hear a story that has been going on with you, far far from me, a story of your life that means so lot to me! A story that means all the more special when it comes from you, a story that needs to be told by you and you have kept me waited all this time, never told me what it is that you need to share but you haven't.

Do i value so less?

Don't take me wrong, its a wexed heart that speaks like that even when the love is still there. Many call it blind and unrealistic, still i manage to value it because i understand that this is love, may be not at its best but still, it is love!

Atleast give me an answer to those times we shared together, i value each and every moment that you made me realise my own worth, i really wish, you think it over just like i do each day, each hour, each second. I said, am waiting, yes, i am still being patient, but your reciprocation is highly needed because i feel the pain of a distance that was there never before and i ought to know the story of this distance from you and that is why, i wait, all the more!

Understand, life is wonderful when i have you with me in our very own space, that space has a story, it wants to share with you , so your presence is all the more needed! Understand, a beating heart that loves to hear from you, your stories and the silence that follows them. Understand, life is all about story-telling and it means a whole lot more when the narrator is You! Understand, the wait of a smile that comes to my face only when you have a story to tell! Understand, time is precious and a loving request from my heart's story that begs you to spend it with me!

                                                                                                        

Wait....wait.....and wait for a story of a lifetime!   A longing to be with you forever and ever, a heart and soul that beats for you!

 A loving wait!!!

The times that are hard to forget………..

DEAR LIFE!

THANK YOU! These two words together define your importance that has made me what I am today……. What I have got today………what I have lost and still moved on with a smile……..a lot of things that are hard to resist……definitely……these were and are times that are hard to forget!

Few days after I was born, I left my native place to come to New Delhi and it is been 20 years now that I have lived here.  I cherish those moments when I used to travel in trains during peak summers to reach south of India in the vacations…memories that have become hard to forget! I used to play with my cousins, visit distant relatives and enjoy royal treatment in the name of ‘Delhi ’ (yeah ! Trust me, Delhi used to or in my case still holds an equal footing as to the Americas). The laughter, those cries, those jealousies, those gifts that surprised, those blessings that remain are memories that are hard to forget! I grew up meeting people and making friends, sharing my life, that is, you with them, listening to their stories, creating new ones that are hard to forget. The feelings of accomplishment, awards and appreciation through school years, the teachers under whom, there are special times spent are beautiful memories that are hard to forget. The dreams of pursuing success and the entry into College went hand in hand and the wonderful time that went by, are definitely hard to forget! An unexpected trip with friends from College to an Ashram in Rishikesh changed the way I perceived relationships and that gave me an unexplored angle of myself that is hard to forget.  I started believing more in myself and a mystique power of the Almighty that continues to pave the way of my future…..times that are hard to forget!  For, a Journey that’s just reached a milestone of 20, hoping and wishing for more and more times that are just hard to believe and forget.